i have to be honest. i'm really not doing very well. i'm actually the worst i've been in quite a long time.

it started with my doctor at planned parenthood changing. the one i had was amazing; she always explained everything to me, made sure i understood my options, and really made me feel listened to. the new one? the opposite, essentially. it seemed quite clear each time i saw her that she absolutely couldn't wait to get me out the door.

it reached a head last time i saw her. i'd been having issues with low mood caused by drops in hormone levels. this is common for people taking estradiol valerate, which i was at the time. i asked to be prescribed estradiol cypionate, since hormone levels don't drop off so sharply between doses. i had to argue back and forth, essentially having to educate her about how her own fucking medicines work. and then when that didn't work, because of course it didn't, i basically just refused to leave until she prescribed it. that did work, eventually, and she rushed me out the door without even telling me what my prescription was.

several calls made over several days later, i finally managed to get on the phone with someone competent enough to tell me what the prescription was. as i expected, unfortunately, the dose was ludicrously low. so i gave up on planned parenthood on the spot. if you ever wonder why i've got links to diy hrt resources in my sidebar? that's why.

so now i just had to find a new provider. easy, right? basically the only requirement is that they're NOT the transgender care provider that sent me to the psych ward leading to the worst experience of my life and a lifetime of horrible anxiety and panic! easy.

i talk to my therapist and they recommend a healthcare provider nearby that claims to specialize in working with transgender patients. it's like their whole thing, apparently! they're even trauma-informed! it couldn't get any better!

i call and set up an appointment in one week. great! this is going great. things might just be looking up. except for the part where they called to cancel my appointment literally the day before. apparently it was all a mistake; they won't have any openings for another 4-6 weeks. and furthermore, they will not move me ahead on the waitlist by one week to account for the time that i was waiting for an appointment that didn't exist. nope, i'm right at the back of the line.

if they're so experienced with meeting the needs of transgender patients, then i would think they'd know that most of us are really, really fucking tired of getting fucked around by the healthcare system. but fine! okay! i'll call again later to try to talk to someone else about at least getting my position on the waitlist moved.

i'm on the phone with them again. they've changed their minds again. now they don't have openings until next fucking year. what. the. fuck?!? this is fucking bullshit. i demand to speak to a supervisor, and they set up an appointment for that.

appointment day comes. yeah, it's not happening. they reschedule for the next day. no explanation.

now, finally, i'm talking to the supervisor. maybe now i can get some god damn answers? well, i sure fucking did. they told me that they refuse to take me because i "qualify for better insurance." the "better insurance?" the care provider that sent me to the psych ward. i'm not fucking joking.

i explained it to them. i told them what they did to me. they didn't fucking care. what the hell happened to "trauma-informed?"

and why the fuck couldn't they have just told me that in the first place instead of leading me on? maybe i dodged a bullet, because these assholes are clearly lying through their teeth when they say they understand the troubles that trans people go through with regards to healthcare.

so that's where i am. unable to get healthcare, gender-affirming or otherwise. what the fuck am i supposed to do? there's nothing. there's fucking nothing. even cohost will be gone in a few days and that was the only place i had where i was a woman. so i don't know.